To all the parents who have loved and lost,
This is my heartfelt letter to you. I am so sorry you have lost your beloved baby and I know the pain you must be in. Our story is one of ectopic pregnancy. Our baby died on 4th Feb 2019. We felt so excited to be pregnant, so elated. Then at around seven weeks in, the pain began. I was convinced I had a UTI, as were the doctors, but sadly that was not the case. Our dear baby was in my tube. Her name was Esther Joy. What followed was surgery and more tears than you can imagine. I cried and cried and am glad I did. Sometimes I think we have to, regardless of where we are, who is there or not there, what we think people might think or feel, none of that matters. What does matter is you and you feeling free to express and release that pain.
I know how empty you must feel and how much pain your in. My arms physically ached. I never knew that was possible but it is. Please be kind to yourself, there is no correct way to grieve, we are all so unique and I believe that our own expression is perfect because its right for us.
I sometimes tried to force myself to get out and back to normal and regretted it. I felt so alone, like running away, full of panic and pain. I learnt to go at my own pace and take as much time as I needed. What was right for someone else wasn’t for me. I wanted to hide and I did for as long as was necessary then slowly emerged (and am still emerging).
Friends and family are so important at this time aren’t they, I am so grateful for mine, they were incredible, supporting us, looking after us, loving us, every card and flower we cherished. My husband was spectacular as always, looking after me post surgery and taking care of everything, I honestly don’t know how he coped as his sadness was as deep as mine.
We can also make new friends. Zoe from the Mariposa trust kindly listened to me. I frantically tapped her name on Instagram, I had found her through her TBN programme Soul Tears. The doctor had just nipped out to get what he needed to prep me for surgery. I frantically tapped her a message so personal and full of fear. Zoe kindly replied and was there for me the next few days. Someone I didn’t know, but who knew baby loss and made me feel less alone and like I could make it through the other side, kindness I will never forget.
Whether we know each other or not. We are together in this, and this is my way of sending you a virtual hug and saying I am so very sorry you are going through this. I pray that you have all you need at this time.
Please talk to someone, don’t suffer on your own. I believe our children are in heaven and that we are still parents to them, and that our children have a legacy of their own that we get to work out.
Sending you so much love
Places I have found so helpful, full of love, advice and support, each one has blessed me in a different way: